recent resentment

Yes yes - my apologies for the lack of blogging over the past couple of weeks.  It's not to say I haven't been writing -- I have.  But I began something that I call "beyond the blog" which gets significantly more personal and detailed and I was inclined to document purely for future memoir purposes if that project in itself ever comes to fruition.  Nevertheless, there are multiple reasons for my lack of words these past few weeks.  I guess the one most significant reason is that I have hit a new phase in this journey - a very palpable, hideous, feeling that dominates most of my days - and that is resent.  Now this feeling, it gets you no where at the end of the day.  But in it's moment, I feel strong strong resentment for the situation I'm in and towards individuals around me, including my Dad.  It comes down to everything simply being not fucking fair.  Not fair that I've seen my father die once, and I miss that father, but I can't because there's this madman in his place, and I resent that the forces of love and life have not even let me grieve for my Dad, or for my grandmother, whose presence was at the forefront of my mind this past Sunday (Mother's day.)  And I'm over feeling sorry for myself... so in essence that transforms into resentment.  Not a very pleasing thing to read about I'm sure.

I guess then it's only fair that I give you another example as to what's been in my head and not on this blog.  I've become familiar with the mindset of that of a psychopath.  Because I myself feel like I could be a pychopath more than once a week - I find myself feeling so much anger that if I chose to could manifest physically.  That's all I'm going to say on that.  Don't think me crazy, yeah therapy is probably a good idea, but I feel too much resentment towards Robin at CNS to seek her guidance in dealing with this.  Can't trust her.  Also - I mean it's not so far off, parents want to kill their whining children every now and then right?  Well, I want to kill my whining father.  You would too if all you heard for three hours was "help me, help me Robin, help me. help me. help me. help me pleeeeease. help me. help me.  help me robin help me.  help me pleeeeeeease"  SHUT UP!   I ran six miles yesterday by accident just to escape for an indefinite amount of time.    

Again let me conclude by saying the obvious that no I will not ever harm my father, and no I am not going to go crazy and become a pyschopath.  I feel a little crass and bitchy and selfish sharing this information with you, but in essence that's why I haven't written, and that's where I stand. make of it what you will and go on with your day.  We'll put these feelings aside because anger and resentment make no progress in life, and at the end of the day I'm still a happy, positive person.  I'm also a very talented actress if you haven't already observed.  :)