Perk Up

"Don't look too excited."  The funny man behind the counter at the coffee shop said to me as I waited to get a blended ice mocha to ease my aching tonsil.  It took me about 5 seconds to realize he was indeed talking to me, awaiting my coffee request.  "oh... hah, sorry I'm sick."  I say with a fake smile.  He takes four steps back in case I breath too hard on him.  I order my blended mint mocha and then step back.  And while the funny man entertained the following customers with more sarcastic coffee jabber, I think, "what I should have said was the truth - there's nothing to be excited about."  There isn't.  I'm feeling very resentful of life today, yesterday, lately.  I'm so so sick of being the Nemer family cheerleader.  I'm sick of putting on a smiley face and pretending all is okay -- and so the ONE TIME I stand there, not smiling, allowing myself to live in my own little rain cloud, I get called on it by the stupid barista.

Daily life would be a different world if I spoke the truth on my mind any minute - I guess that goes for everyone.  But seriously, if I had said - "there's nothing to be excited about" and he asked why?  Would I have to go into the whole story?  I doubt I would - I'd probably give a pissy, shortened recap of events and make him feel reeeeeal sorry for asking.  But that gets none of us anywhere - he's much better off happily frothing lattes as I observe while I type.  Another example of wanting to speak my mind occurred this weekend on our visit with Dad, he was whining and crying as we were taking a walk outside the residence, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Dad stop crying..."  I urge gently.  "oh shutup you don't know anything. don't you have any friends you can go bother..."  He retorts.  I walk away, thinking in my head of replying: "Wel, yeah I had a best friend once but he went and got a brain injury and now here we are."  But I didn't say that -- I just walked away, and bit my tongue and held my breath to fight a tear or irrational impulse.  Deep breath.... deep breath.

these are endless two weeks.