Tuesday, June 16, 2009
the real June Gloom
hello world, how are you? i'm fine i guess. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing. back from Maui and bless my sunburned back for being a constant reminder of those four days of free-living and carelessness. and now i don't know what to care about. It's all the same. I maybe felt rejuvenated for five minutes but mostly it just felt like the plane landed back in a perpetual cloud. Maybe that's just the june-gloom. and maybe I haven't adjusted to being done with "vacation" yet. but I don't know what to do with myself and I'm pretty sure you don't either. Time feels messy and blurry. It's out of my control. And the countdown to the one year anniversary of my father dying is definitely on. Have you all missed him for this year? This one, swift, hideous year. I miss him more all too painfully everyday. I hate where i am right now. Sitting in his office. waiting for a package to arrive. this isn't fair. sitting here. I can't do this anymore - there are a million other important things that i should be doing with MY time but I don't know how to start them. or at least I don't know how to start them today. I'll find it in me at some point, I always do, the courage and smiles always muster themselves back up from somewhere, but for now - welcome to my cloud.
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I miss him all the time Annie. And I often think of things he has said or done over the years that always stuck with me. Like, back in '86, when he told me to look into buying stock in an unheard of coffee company in Seattle called Starbucks. Also, after OJ was acquitted in '94 and your dad said, "I think it was the wrong verdict for the right reason." I remember thinking, "Wow, what an interesting way to put it." I miss the social life he gave my sister and the world he gave my niece. And I miss the big hug and kiss I got each time I saw him. He always made me feel like he appreciated a woman. I miss him alot. And I'm so sorry.
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