Fullfillment

I felt fulfilled today, in my life, for the first time since before my Dad's incident.  And it had nothing to do with him.  I felt extremely proud, I felt complete in my soul, I felt happy, loved, and successful.  And again, it had nothing to do with him.  It had nothing to do with being the dutiful daughter, or the free-time caretaker, it had to do with me and my skills alone.  Today marked the end of camp at the Theatricum - a five week long drama camp, that takes place just three days a week.  I don't know how else to go into it but to just say that I had THE BEST group of 17 eight and nine year olds one could imagine.  But I know that they were only the best to me because I set the tone 5 weeks ago, and I extracted every ounce of positive energy and excitement, and creativity and playfulness, that has been buried underneath this fortress of strength I've created around me for the past year.  I led a successful group of campers into feeling proud about their play, having fun and making new friends, taking risks they didn't think they'd take.  I have a stack of paper cards with marker scribbles of "I love you Anne!!! You're the best teacher I ever had!  Thank you for always being so fun!"  After being a camp counselor on and off for the past decade, I can honestly say I've never left a group of campers at the end of the summer feeling quite so proud and with a sense of completion - like I did my job to make these kids more confident, happy, and open their eyes to something special.  okay I realize this is getting cheesy and redundant, but what's pivotal is that I'm so afraid of losing this day and this feeling.  When I hugged my campers today for the last time, (I got them in a big huddle on the stage) and I looked at them and I thanked them for all they did for me this summer - for filling three days of the week with their cheeriness, their positive energy and fearlessness, their friendliness and compassion for everyone in the group and for me.  I told them they have no idea how much they meant to me on a daily basis.  And I started to cry, and they all looked around the circle, smiling curiously with their own pride - knowing they gave something back to me.  Because they have no idea what I come home to, and what I leave in the morning.  And no idea how their smiles and carefree hugs mean so much more to me.  

Then it hit me like the wind being knocked out of me.  What will I do with myself now?  This was the one thing to call my own for a brief while - and it fulfilled me so happily.  Now it's over - and I'm left truly wondering what is next.  My life, just like my Dad's in a way is a big open oasis.  What will we do with our time??  My success with these kids got me thinking all sorts of other things... should I give up acting/writing and go teach first grade??  Or maybe I could fuse all this recent personal experience and become a speech therapist for kids.  New thoughts just start snowballing.  And then I think, but where's the time to do this, and when will I have it?  

Then another blow to the chest came while I was taking Jenny on a brisk hike to blow of the steam that was created from Dad when I got home.  (Upon arriving from my amazing, successful day, Dad proceeded with his usual completely ignorant bullshit tired-routine and didn't move a muscle or look up to regard my cheery hello.  Fuck you I casually tossed back to him and grabbed the leash and bolted out the door.)  Then a thought like I've never had before hit me hard and shocked the breath out of me swiftly. -- I loved these kids so much, and they loved me... I'm gonna be a good mom one day.... if I do ever have a kid, they'll never know my Daddy.